Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Friday, June 14, 2019

Go and join LOOM and stop complaining there's no money in Ghana - Bawumia to Ghanaians

Vice President Dr. (Alhaji) Mahamadu Bawumia has encouraged Ghanaians, especially the youth to form what he termed as concrete engagements and business partnerships in key strategic areas.



Speaking at a conference "Making Ghana Great" in my dream, he said it's sad to hear lazy Ghanaians complaining of hardship in the country when there are many opportunities for them to excel and build world class businneses.

Dr. Bawunia suggested that there is a community helping people across Africa to make huge returns on their money within few days and he will urge everyone to join.

The second gentleman of the land mentioned that LOOM is the name of the company and he as a business tycoon has already invested the $200m donation World Bank gave Ghana to redevelop Accra and prevent flooding in the scheme.

Dr. Bawumia urged Ghanaians that " don't be there and complain the government is not helping us, what are you also doing? Instead of you to invest in the LOOM Ghs50 for Ghs400 you are there on social media screaming there's hardship in Ghana. Oh lazy Ghanaians"

Commenting on SEC warning Ghanaians not to partake in LOOM because it's not a licensed business, the vice president indicated that “Don't mind those people they're hypocrites as I speak they've all invested in LOOM. And let me add that, the president Nana Addo Darkwa Akufo-Addo is a beneficiary of it. SEC is working for the NDC They collapsed Menzgold and now many Ghanaians have vowed to vote against us in the 2020 elections. They are causing unemployment"

He admonished that “together, let us push hard so we can improve the lives of ordinary citizens when you invest in LOOM invite your friend to join don't be greedy. It's a team work"

The veep also showered praises on the CEO of LOOM, according to him government is very much grateful to him for his great initiative and has plans to confer on him the Order of the Volta.


Source: Massiveupdates.com

Chinese Monks Salutes Okudzeto Ablakwa After His Head Refused To Grow Hair For 10 Solid Years

Samuel Okudzeto Ablakwa is not just a politician but well recognised man in the world. According to information reaching us, Ablakwa has just been saluted by a section of Chinese for keeping up their practices in the worship of Buddha.



According to our Journalist, Kofi Yehowah, Okudzeto Ablakwa has been presented with an award by some Chinese Monks. Explaining the reason behind the award, the Kung Fu warriors explained that the member of parliament has kept his head free from hair for some years and therefore needed to be congratulated.


Now, what's your say on this? Do you believe that Government should force him to grow hairs or nah? Talk to us in the comments.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Nana Addo Cannot Win In 2020. He Must See Us - Kintampo Witches Declares

Election 2020 is bringing different section of people to the public domain. It is not only the Prophets who are talking about it but the darkest part of the earth.

Latest information reaching us from our Journalist, Adwoa Frafra, indicates that Nana Addo who is seeking a second term as president of Ghana is likely to lose the elections. This particular prophecy is coming from a group of powerful witches in the Centre of Ghana, Kintampo.

According to the witches, Nana Addo is likely to lose the elections and therefore needs to offer some sacrifices to sanctify his soul. They however revealed that if He refuses to, then he must be ready to hand over to the NDC.

Now, what's your say on this? Do you believe them or the battle is still the Lord's?

Saturday, June 8, 2019

BREAKING NEWS: President Nana Akufo-Addo Bans Dancehall Music In Ghana

The president of Ghana, Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo has banned danchall music in Ghana today, June 8, 2019.


According to the information that massiveupdates.com is having, the president wasn't happy with the incident at the 20th edition of Vodafone Ghana Music Awards and has to ban the genre to prevent any future disaster.


Two great dancehall artistes in Ghana, Stonebwoy and Shatta Wale who have finally smoked the piece wanted to tear each other part after Stonebwoy was announced as best dancehall artist.


This misunderstanding pushed Stonebwoy to pull a gun as self defense and that distracted the whole show.


After the incident the two rivals(Stonebwoy and Shatta Wale) have been united with the help of one Dr Kofi Abban and Nana Aba Anamoah but that couldn't convince president Nana Akufo-Addo so he has banned the danchall genre in Ghana until further notice.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Adorable photos from a Nigerian man’s wedding to a Taiwanese lady


A Nigerian man identified as Nnanna, took a Taiwanese lady, Aggie, as a wife in the customary Igbo traditional wedding.

The bride dressed in an Igbo bride attire, showed so much excitement as she went round looking for her groom so as to give him palmwine.

According to reports, the couple’s fathers are very wealthy and have been long term business partners.





































What Are Friends For? You can Chop Her - Shatta Wale Whispers To Stonebwoy

The peace talk between Shatta Wale and Stonebwoy is now over. The two are set to unite and push the music agenda in Ghana to the next level.



However, people were wondering the presence of Music star, Wendy Shay at the venue. Some believe that, she went for photoshoot. Some also believe that, she went to accompany her boyfriend, Shatta to the Wale.

Interestingly, during the talk, Shatta Wale and Stonebwoy were seen whispering and a kiss from Shatta Wale. We were wondering why that move so our journalist, Kofi Yehowah went over to ask.

It was later confirmed from a close associate that Wendy Shay was part of the deal. But as to what role she will play is yet to be seen.

Vice Presidential Race: Give Us Manasseh Azure - NDC Foot Soldiers Cry Out

2020 Elections is fast approaching and the best team is likely to win. The New Patriotic Party (NPP) won the 2016 version because of the team they brought out.

Their attackers and defence were on point.

As the campaign time is getting closer, the opposition party in Ghana, National Democratic Congress (NDC) is working behind the scene to get some of the best men to help them wrestle power from the NPP.

According to the information reaching us, some concern members of the NDC are crying to the party executives to try all means and have investigative journalist, Manasseh Azure on board.

According to our Journalist, Kofi Yehowah, Manasseh Azure has been contacted and the party executives are waiting on him.

Now, could it be that Manasseh has accepted the bid? Ah well! We only watch the show.

Now, is Manasseh Azure the right person to get NDC back to power? Let's hear from you in the comments.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

Shut Up! You Started This - Angola Man With Big Mouth Warns Stonebwoy

After the Mortal Kombat Move in the just ended Vodafone Ghana Music Awards, Shatta Wale and his brother Stonebwoy are back in the news again.



As usual, the two are yet to repent and obey the court order.

Just few days ago, Shatta Wale who won the Highlife song of the year as a Dancehall artist was seen mimicking how Stonebwoy walks.

This according to most Ghanaians is very odd because of the disability of Stonebwoy.

As usual, Ghanaians have heavily descended on Shatta Wale and roasted him. With nobody in sight to defend African's Dancehall King, Angola's man with the biggest mouth is here to lay his support for Shatta Wale.

In an interview with the man who could swallow a whole pot of fufu, He explained that most Ghanaians are hypocrites.

He revealed that Stonebwoy started all these after he insulted Shatta Wale and called him big mouth.
 In fact, when I heard that insult, I was very offended. I also have a big mouth and he needs to stop before Shatta can also quit.

Now, what's your say? Who should we blame? Talk to us in the comments.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Seaside Shitting: The gods Are Annoyed With Accra - Eagle Prophet Drops Secret

Unlike other places where people prefer to do it at better places, Ghanaians who live closer to the sea decide otherwise. This particular behaviour has turned a lot of tourists away from the sea.



It is therefore no surprise that each year it rains, Accra is flooded with rain. Sometimes, it claims lives and properties are mostly destroyed. Though the government has tried all efforts, this situation keeps increasing each time.

Now, do these happenings have a spiritual backing? This particular question led us to the house of Ghana's number one prophet, Eagle Prophet. When interviewed by our journalist, Kofi Yehowah, the prophet revealed that Accra indeed needs spiritual cleansing. He explained that the capital is dirty and needs to be prayed for.
 Accra is dirty. The people who currently live here do not respect God and their gods. People prefer to defecate inside the sea so why wouldn't the same gods punish you? This behaviour must stop.

The Prophet also revealed that, the government must start using the laws and make sure that sanitation is kept.

Now, what do you think is causing the frequent floods in Accra? Do you also believe that the capital should be moved? Let's hear from you.

Just In: Former British High Commissioner, Jon Benjamin Falls In Love With Chief Justice, Gloria Akuffo

God indeed answers prayers. After several weeks on Mountain Afadjato for a miracle, the Chief Justice of Ghana, Gloria Akuffo finally finds her missing rib.




And it is no other person than the former British High Commissioner to Ghana, Jon Benjamin.

Months ago, Gloria Akuffo revealed that she is indeed single and needs a man to help her. When this news went public, a lot of Ghanaians prayed for her. Some trolled her though.

God in his own way pushed the former British High Commissioner, Jon Benjamin to her way.

Though a formal announcement has not yet been made public, information reaching us indicates that, the two are set to wed soon.

Yaa Jackson Rehearses Ahead 02 Arena Concert (Video)

Singer and actress Yaa Jackson is spotted rehearsing with her new song "Ehwe Papa" which features Fameye.


She was being directed to do some dance moves and the way she was serious about it, one may think she is rehearsing ahead 02 Arena concert.


https://www.instagram.com/p/ByC8RqWHy3A/?igshid=ratx1leamyd6

Saturday, May 25, 2019

Breaking News: Samsung Terminates Stonebwoy's Contract

Unfortunate news reaching massiveupdates.com indicates that mobile phone company Samsung has terminated Stonebwoy's contract as brand ambassador for the company due to his recent behavior at the VGMAs.


Stonebwoy who was recently signed as an ambassador for Samsung couldn't control his temper when his rival Shatta Wale walked to the VGMA stage after he was announced as best reggae and dancehall artist of the year and therefore pulled a gun as self defence.


The company after contemplating over the chaos has decided to cancel his contract because they can't work someone who pulls a gun when provocated.


VGMA on the other hand has banned from the scheme and also stripped off his awards.


Massiveupdates.com will bring to you all the necessary updates concerning this issue.

Just In: Stonebwoy Takes VGMA Board To Nogokpo

Nogokpo is not just a village in the Volta Region but one of the wicked places on earth. This is actually the place where Justice is served.



After been disgraced by Shatta Wale in the just ended Vodafone Ghana Music Awards, celebrated Dancehall artist, Stonebwoy will not let sleeping dogs lie.

In a recent picture posted on his timeline, the "Gari Chewer" was spotted at the traditional village.

From our sources, Stonebwoy has already forgiven his half brother Shatta Wale after warning his fans not to insult Stonebwoy in any way.

Our source revealed that, Stonebwoy decided to take on the board of VGMA after he was banned. What even spoilt matters was when He was asked to return his awards.

This has therefore gingered the "Ayigbe Mafia" to visit the home of the gods in Ghana.

We are likely to see things turn around in the Entertainment industry very soon.

We will keep you updated if anything happens or when the gods in Nogokpo strikes.

Friday, May 24, 2019

We Will Chew You Like Gari - NDC Tells NPP Ahead Of 2020 Elections

Election 2020 is fast approaching and the politicians are stealing the timeline once again. Just like musicians throw shades against each other to draw attention, the politicians does same.

Latest information reaching us now indicates that, the National Democratic Congress (NDC) is warning the New Patriotic Party (NPP) that the 2020 elections is going to be like Shatta - Stone episode. According to the General Secretaries, there will be no joke that day.
 We sat down for NPP to rig the 2020 elections. This time, we are going to chew NPP like Gari. No jokes. We are all wide awake.

Just In: You Can Only Be Used In Horror Movies - Efia Odo Tells Afia Schwarzenegger

Information reaching our Journalist, Kofi Yehowah, indicates that, Social Media is set to blaze soon. According to the words of our reporter, Efia Odo is not joking this time with Afia Schwarzenegger.



Efia Odo has been used up and molested several times by Afia Schwarzenegger. She has been tagged a Slay Queen with no brain and this time, she isn't keeping mute.

Efia Odo took to social media to express her displeasure on how Afia Schwarzenegger is always on top of her. According to the "Maame Water" in human flesh, Afia Schwarzenegger is very ugly and even with makeups, she still looks like a pig. Efia Odo also revealed that, Afia Schwarzenegger can only be used in horror movies because of her ugliness.
 You can only be used in horror movies. Even with makeups, you still looks like a pig. Don't dare me.

Now, what's your say on this issue? Who do you support? Let's hear from you in the comments.

So I Do Funeral Songs? Bisa Kdei Questions Amakye Dede For Crowning Kuami Eugene King of Highlife

The just ended VGMA 2019 saw a lot of controversies. Apart from Stonebwoy and Shatta Wale stealing the timeline, Amakye Dede didn't do well at all.

Latest news reaching us here is that, Highlife artist, Bisa Kdei isn't happy at all. He revealed to our journalist, Kofi Yehowa, that Kuami Eugene indeed did deserved all the awards won that day.
 Eugene worked hard and He really deserve all the awards won. He should have won the artist of the year too.

However, Bisa Kdei was not pleased with Amakye Dede for saying that only Kuami Eugene does Highlife and deserve to be crowned King. Bisa Kdei revealed that there are a lot of guys who does it better which even includes him.
 I do not agree with Amakye Dede. It looks like some of us do songs for funeral ceremonies. Kumi Guitar, Akwaboah, Ofori Amponsah and even Daddy Lumba are all there. Am not happy koraa.

Now, what's your say? Do you believe Kuami Eugene deserve to be crowned? Talk to us in the comments.

Breaking News: Nana Addo Invites CharterHouse Over Stonebwoy, Shatta Wale Ban

Information reaching us now indicates that the President of Ghana, Nana Addo has just invited Event Organizers, Charterhouse to reconsider their decision to ban both Stonebwoy and Shatta Wale.

Just recently, the president had Asamoah Gyan return to the Black Star fold. This means Nana Addo is a communication expert and it is likely that the two Dancehall artist will be considered again.

We are following this new episode and we will keep you updated.

Just In: Vodafone Ghana To Refund Airtime To All Bhim And Shatta Fans Who Voted After Ban

Latest information reaching us now indicates that both Stonebwoy and Shatta Wale are banned and their awards taken off and handed over to late Ebony Reigns. This particular decision came after a riot at the just ended Vodafone Ghana Music Awards.



After the ban, fans of the two top music stars are threatening to stop using Vodafone if their airtime used in voting are not returned. In an attempt not to lose any of their customers, Vodafone Ghana has decided to return all the airtime used, to all the fans latest by tomorrow, 24th May, 2019.

In a release, this how they announced it on their Snapchat story.
 We will be returning all airtime which voted for both Bhim and Shatta latest by tomorrow. Vodafone Ghana, we serve you better.

Now, what's your say? Do you agree?

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Too Much Pasco From Ghanaians Killing WhatsApp - Mark Zuckerberg

It has become a headache for Mark Elliot Zuckerberg. According to the the Facebook founder and owner of WhatsApp, too much Pasco from Ghanaians is gradually sinking his properties.

He explained that, this Pasco is actually virus spread to eat into WhatsApp and make it work slow. He added that, this was the reason why they limited sharing into groups and to other users to only 5. However, this initiative has failed to work.

Mark has therefore decided to ban all Ghanaians from WhatsApp starting from June in other to prevent a system hacking. Some Ghanaians will therefore need VPN to use it.

Now, will you stop the Pasco or nah? Talk to us below.

Use Our Salaries For Your 2020 Campaign;We Don't Need It Again - NABCO Recruits Tells Nana Addo

The Nations Builders Corp (Nabco) was recently launched by the Government to help reduce the unemployment rate in Ghana.



After a successful launch, salaries due to these recruits have become "boakye bi din" (inaccessible).

For months, some are yet to take a single pesewa. The daily excuse is verification and other pipeline promises. This particular situation has gingered the Recruits to release a hot statement to the president of Ghana, Nana Addo.

In the statement, they revealed that, since the government were only interested in elections, their salaries should be used for the campaign. According to them, they no longer need money again.

Now, how will the Government take this message? Should Nana Addo accept their money and use for campaign? Well, let's hear from you in the comments.